What’s Holding Us Back
I’ve been putting off this post for a long time. I probably should have written it three years ago. But, each time, I thought to myself, “I don’t want to write about negativity on my blog. I want this to be a positive and empowering space for people (especially women) to be inspired to pick up a power tool and/or complete that DIY project they’ve been putting off.”
This past week I witnessed and endured something that made my blood boil. Supposed DIY experts belittling women. Most of the behavior wasn’t blatant, it was subtle. Some of it was body language (crossed arms, wide leg stance and a scowl while being asked a question.) And some of it was not so subtle with a condescending comment or tone. And this behavior made me mad. No—take that back—it burned me up inside!
Why? Because I have a dream that one day when any woman walks into a hardware store or a home improvement store it will NOT BE ASSUMED that she isn’t handy or that she is incapable of completing a major home renovation or repair. I dream that there will be a day that the stereotypes about women and men will cease to exist. And I know that any woman that is belittled or turned away from DIY is one less step toward my dream.
Sandra of SawdustGirl.com and myself
Therefore, I think it’s time to address that big fat wall that’s holding us back. What is it that scares you about DIY? Is it the fear of a power tool? The fear of screwing something up? Of injuring yourself? Of breaking something?
Well, it’s time to break down that wall!
First, you need to peel back those layers and really address why you don’t think you can. Did you get messages from others that became part of your beliefs about your own abilities?
How was that wall built? Did it start when you were a child? Did your Dad or Mom tell you not to touch a tool for fear you might hurt yourself? Did your Uncle or neighbor laugh at you when they saw you trying to fix something? What was it? Usually that wall is a culmination of years of messages that get embedded into your brain, until you are stripped of the self confidence necessary to try something new.
Do any of these messages sound familiar:
- “That’s a man’s job. Let a man do it.”
- “You might break it.”
- “You’re not strong enough.”
- “Why don’t you hire a professional?”
- “Here, let me help you with that.”
- “Stand back, I’ll take care of it.”
- “Don’t hurt yourself.”
Or was it a more subtle message from a professional or someone more experienced who threw a bunch of technical jargon at you making you feel confused or inferior.
I want to share with you some of the nasty comments I receive (especially on YouTube.) The comments are direct assaults on my self esteem and confidence. After reading them, I often begin to doubt my own abilities. Here are just a few of those nasty comments:
- You really should remove your power tool tutorials. Some idiot is going to seriously hurt themselves.
- What she is saying is completely wrong esp the part about wetting the caulk but at least she is trying.
- Woman, you do it wrong
- Get back in the kitchen where you belong.
- Women shouldn’t use MAN tools. There is a reason god made you bare children and born with a frying pan in your hand.. This is the same as being a lesbian in my book seeing a woman pick up a tool!
AND then this person left a reply to that last degrading comment:
“Hey dude with the negative comments toward women… disrespectful ! Why can’t a women use power tools? She can do whatever she likes. I think you are old school curmudgeon that is afraid of women, and in controlling what they do, that keeps you feeling like KING SHIT ON TURD ISLAND. Newsflash – we’re in 2014 – get used to it loser! I hope you are man enough to apologize to Brittany for your loser comments.”
I wanted to high five that commenter! He had it right. There are a lot of people who are threatened by women who can DIY. They view it as a threat to their masculinity. Heaven forbid a woman realize that using a power tool or fixing something isn’t rocket science.
Let me be the first to tell you. You CAN do it! That wall of negative and self-deprecating messages is going to come down NOW! No offense to anyone who is a plumber or knows a plumber, but I sincerely doubt that you have any less brain cells than that guy who’s mooning you while trying to fix your leaky sink. He just has a little more knowledge and experience at tightening slip nuts and p-traps (sorry, I didn’t mean to throw out the technical jargon.) However, when that plumber started, he had no more expertise than you do. He may have been trained in an apprenticeship or trade school But, lucky for you, today there is a wealth of resources to teach you how to fix anything! YouTube, Google, FamilyHandyman.com and many many many blogs that will help you complete a DIY project using step-by-step tutorials!
Still fearful of using a power tool? Well, here are the facts. If you are safety conscious, you will take the time to read the manual and go slow when learning how to use a new power tool. You will have less of a risk of injuring yourself than a seasoned pro. Why is that? I call it the healthy fear factor. If you respect the tool and have a healthy fear of it, you will double-check that you are keeping your hands and body away from the tool. You will be sure that your hair is tied back and you have removed any jewelry or loose clothing. You will not rush through a cut or task. You will give that tool your full attention and make sure that you are staying safe.
A few years ago one of my favorite contractors told me he had to retire. He had accidentally cut off one of his fingers. This is a man who had been building and fixing for decades! And he cut his finger off. How? He told me, “Brittany, I was stupid. I did not respect that tool and it bit me. I was rushing through a job and cut my finger off with an angle grinder. I’ve used that tool hundreds of times and was complacent and didn’t give it my full attention.” And that is why it is important to ALWAYS respect the tool. It’s okay to have a healthy fear of power tools! In fact, it is what will keep you safe.
I encourage you to take a hard look at that wall of negative attitudes about DIY.
Don’t let someone rob you of your self confidence. If you are reading this post, know that you are an intelligent human being who is capable of much more than you give yourself credit for. Grab that wall and pull it down. Believe in yourself and tackle that DIY project. I’m here if you have questions. I’m here to give you positive encouragement. Just think to yourself, “What Would Pretty Handy Girl say?” and build up a platform of positive thoughts and messages so you can dive off the top of that wall of crap!
What’s the worst that can happen if you do try to fix or build something? If you screw it up, so what! Call in that professional. But, stick right by his or her side and watch how they fix it. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. AND hopefully they will keep their butt crack inside their pants. Should you succeed at the project, rejoice! Celebrate and share with your girlfriends. Let’s break down the stereotype wall together.
Feel free to leave a comment below about that time you were talked down to or someone made a condescending remark. Let’s all lift each other up and reassure one another that we can do it! High fives all around!
P.s. This post is dedicated to my blogging friend and fellow power tool wielding DIY Rock Star! You go girl!
My husband’s family ran a lumber company. A larger company bought it and all but my hubby’s Grandad was out of a job. Rob needed something so off I went to get it. The guy behind the counter was a jerk to me, acted like I knew nothing. Then Grandad came out. He told the jerk to leave me alone, that I knew more than he did and I could do a better job than he could. Grandad got me what I needed and off I went. Some people have to be put in there place before they get it. Sorry this had to happen to you. It seems like anything that requires tools, women ‘can’t do” according to some men. But when they say stay in the kitchen they should remember that’s where the knives are kept. 🙂
I love this SO HARD!! Thankfully I grew up in a family of men (I’m the only girl) and they believed, and still do, that I could do anything they could do. Not that they had any choice in the matter. But I’ve seen and heard many a stereotype and it always blows my mind – especially when it’s a woman doing it to another woman. Like, Why do you keep saying YOU built this? kind of attitude. Then again, it also makes my blood boil and that in turn encourages me to turn my badassery up a couple of notches! My brother is currently teaching me to weld.
I adore you Pretty Handy Girl!
I’ve been a woodworker/DIYer for many years and have heard it all. As someone else said I have asked questions about something, going into detail and the salesperson (male) turns to my husband to reply to him. That just amazes me! Thankfully my husband throws it back to me saying something like, she’s the woodworker, not me. I’ve also gone in a store by myself and asked where a certain tool is and the salesperson has replied “what does he need it for?” Just like that, there was no mention of a husband, father, boyfriend, son, whatever!
There was a lovely little tool store near me, no longer there, with an elderly gentleman who never once spoke down to me. I bought huge power tools, bits, blades, etc. and he always spoke to me as if I knew what everything was and I was knowledgeable. He never used easy terms or simplified things because I was female. He was such a breath of fresh air… so it’s not always age.
All that being said, there are some poorly informed tutorials that make me shake my head. (Done by both females and males)
P.S. Sorry for those of you that use them, but I HATE pink tools.
Several years ago my car broke down and I had it towed to a garage. When I called later to see what repairs were needed, the mechanic said “you’d better let me explain it to your husband.” I told him not to bother putting it back together, just put any parts in a box, put it in the trunk and I would have the car towed to another garage. I was so mad I could spit nails! His stupidity cost him my business.
Thank you for posting this. I do most of the home improvement myself, with the occasional help of my husband. I ask for power tools every Christmas 🙂 The comment I love best when I tell someone about what I’ve done is ” Where’s your husband?” lol.
Angela, high fives to you. I ask for power tools for every birthday and Christmas too! Much more useful than jewelry or sweets (although I like chocolate too.) ;-D
So well said and true! My mother has always been a great inspiration to me. My dad died 26 years ago and she has been alone since. She as always hung her own window treatments, fixed her own leaks, etc. I am willing to do it all and try it all, however, hubby’s anal precision is sometimes preferred over my haphazard ways!
Becky, I wish I could hug your Mom! Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for this wonderfully encouraging post! Your points apply much more broadly than home DIY projects, and I’ll be sharing this with my girlfriends 🙂 I can’t say that negative comments have been directed at me (yet), but my biggest hurdle is simply lacking confidence in myself… something that I just have to work on over time. So grateful for women like you and Sandra – keep up the great work!
Mary Lee, thanks for your comment. And I’m so glad to know that I’m making a difference.
You go girl!! YOU said it just like it should be said. I’ve had statements said to me that brought the very worst negative thoughts that pretty much ruined my day. One day..I said to myself no more. I don’t allow the comments to take up real estate in my mind to steal what makes me happy…and that is to build things & DIY projects.
Great post!
~Lynn
Lynn, great attitude! Thanks for your comment.
Best.Post.Ever!
I STILL get the side-eye from people in the parking lot of my large home improvement store when I park in the “PRO” parking area. (The worst was the one time I was pregnant and some guy told me “hey, you can’t park there! That isn’t the expectant mother parking!” )
Oh yeah? I earned my ‘pro’ status there a LONG time ago. And usually any hater shuts up when the cashier greets me by name! #GirlsWithPowerTools
Kim, ugh. Seriously?! High fives to you! And it was great meeting you finally!
You Go Girl! You are right on the mark. No one, man or woman, is born with knowledge or experience. If we woman are entrusted with the most important job on this earth (bearing and raising children), then believe that we CAN do whatever we set our minds to. I, too, refuse to let a backward mentality stop me.
Kerry Dean, well said! Thanks for your comment.
What you are saying is so true. I have been telling my friends the same thing for years. You just need a little confidence and some knowledge and you can do anything. I started over 10 years ago doing some small wood working projects. Today I am finishing a floor to ceiling bookcase/cabinets/desk for my living room. Everyone is always so amazed that I can make cabinets but it is pretty easy. You just have to learn some things and try. Plus for this last project I got a little inspiration from you and Sawdust Girl. I also think that women are scared of doing this kind of work because it is traditionally a man thing and they think they can’t or shouldn’t do it. I try to encourage the women in my life to get out there and just do it. Thanks for this post. Sometimes it is a good reminder that women can do anything.
Melanie, virtual high fives to you! You go girl and thanks for commenting.
Lisa, I’m the same age as you and remember well the fight for women’s rights. We HAVE come a long way and there is farther to go.
Thank you for this post Brittany! A few months ago, I decided to build a new mirror for my bathroom. I followed a tutorial, had the tools, built the darn thing, and brought it to Lowes to get the mirror cut for it. The whole time, the man starts asking my husband what size the mirror needs to be, even after I told him I built it. My husband told him to ask me, since I’ve the one who built it, and then walked off with the baby since the machine was scaring her. Once he was done, he again told me that I should have my husband use a router to cut a path for the mirror to sit it, and once again I reminded him that the tools were mine and if anyone was going to router this frame, it was going to be me.
It’s something I encounter a lot when I’m in the hardware store/section in my heels and pearls (I usually stop by after work), that air of “oh, the little lady who needs help.” Little do they know that this lady installed every doorknob in the house, hangs her own pictures, fixed a leaking sink, and is planning to re-tile her master bath on her own.
Jamie, good for you for standing up and representing handy women! Thank you for helping change stereotypes one at a time.
Ah Sarah– wise words from a DIY tool wielding badass. Love ya.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
I was brought up by a single mother and a sister, and we often had to just get the job done ourselves. It’s not so much a fear thing to me, but the lack of being taken seriously that bothers me.
I am now married and my husband calls me “Handy Andy” because he has no idea how to do most any repair. We are learning things together, and I love that I get to teach him what I know.
Around father’s day we had an experience that really bothered me. My in-laws bought me a gift card for a hardware store and I was so excited to buy myself a new drill!
I did my research and knew exactly what I wanted. I marched into the hardware store, picked up the box with the drill and headed to the checkout.
The cashier (male) smiled and asked me if I was buying the drill as a father’s day present for someone.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I shook my head and told him as calmly as I could manage that it was for me, but that right now I would not be buying the drill. I told him to put it back and walked out the store empty handed.
I still haven’t gone back to buy it. I felt damaged.
My husband was furious and almost called the store to complain, though I talked him down. Love him!
Reading your post really hit the spot where I was most bruised. I will be picking myself back up soon.
Thanks again!!
You go girl! I bet you were excited to buy that drill and home improvement store employees really need to train their employees not to make comments that could be degrading.